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Enjoy a laugh

Member Message
maggieevans photos
Joined: 8/23/2002
Location: Cross Plains,Tn. zone 6
Posts: 1542
Posted: Aug/17/2006 3:50 PM PST

Bob's Story
It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes
harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they
were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are
oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.
My name is Bob. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife,
Debbie. When I took "early retirement" last year, it became necessary
for Debbie to get a full-time job along with her part- time job, both for extra
income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started
working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home
from the golf course about the same time she gets home from work. Although
she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half
an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. instead, I tell her to
take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally
have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club so eating out is not reasonable. I'm
ready for some home cooked grub when I hit that door. She used to do the
dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not unusual for them to sit
on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically
reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves.
I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them
done before she goes to bed. Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think.
For example she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly
bills during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just
smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three
days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing
lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean).
I like to think tact is one of my strong points. When doing simple jobs, she
seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when
she was only half finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene.
I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed
lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself,
she may as well make one for me too. I know that I probably look like a saint in
the way I support Debbie. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is
easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows
better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, guys, even
if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of
this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put
on this earth to help each other.....

Signed,

Bob

EDITOR'S NOTE: Bob died suddenly on May 27th. The police report says that he was
found with a Calloway extra long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club rammed up his
behind, with only 2 inches of grip showing. His wife Debbie was arrested and charged
with murder; however, the all-woman jury found her Not Guilty, accepting her defense that
he accidentally sat down on it.



-------------------------------------------------- ------------------------.
maggieevans photos
Joined: 8/23/2002
Location: Cross Plains,Tn. zone 6
Posts: 1542
Posted: Aug/17/2006 3:55 PM PST

Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair, and loved to charge around the nursing home, taking
corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors.

Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic, the other residents tolerated her, and some of them actually joined in.

One day, Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened, and Kooky Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched. "STOP!" he shouted in a firm voice. "Have you got a license for that thing?"
Ethel fished around in her handbag, pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper, and held it up to him. "OK," he said,
and away Ethel sped down the hall.

As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, weird Harold popped out in front of her and
shouted, "STOP! Have you got proof of insurance?" Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink
coaster, and held it up to him. Harold nodded and said, "On your way, Ma'am."

As Ethel neared the final corridor, Crazy Craig stepped out in front of her, butt-naked, holding his
"You-Know-What" in hand. "Oh, good grief," yelled Ethel, "Not that damn Breathalyzer Test again!!!"
brassi
Joined: 7/26/2004
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 344
Posted: Aug/17/2006 4:01 PM PST

ROFL...as I read this,, I was getting madder and madder!!!
Sorry I didn't know when the funeral was,,I would have sent Debbie flowers!!LOLOLOLOL

The thing that is really funny,, his death date is my hubs birthday!!LOLOL and after being married for almost 30 yrs. I think I'll print this out and leave it on his desk with the bills this evening!!
JoesGarden
Joined: 7/28/2006
Location:
Posts: 5
Posted: Aug/17/2006 9:51 PM PST

Reminds me of the cartoon where the husband says to his wife: "You took me for better or for worse". And she replied: "You're a lot worse than I took you for."
poeticpeony blog photos
Joined: 4/04/2006
Location: NE Ohio, deck chuckin' fool
Posts: 9437
Moderator
Posted: Aug/17/2006 9:58 PM PST

Those were awesome! Great giggles tonight here!
maggieevans photos
Joined: 8/23/2002
Location: Cross Plains,Tn. zone 6
Posts: 1542
Posted: Aug/18/2006 1:54 AM PST

A drunk, who smelled of beer sat down, on a subway seat
> > >>next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered
> > >>with red lipstick and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of
>
> > >>his torn coat pocket.. He opened his newspaper and began reading.
> > >>
> > >>After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Tell
> > >>me, Father, what causes arthritis?"
> > >>
> > >>The priest replied, "My Son, it is caused by loose living, being
> > >>with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your
> > >>fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and a lack of personal
> > >>hygiene."
> > >>
> > >>The drunk muttered in response, "Well, I'll be darned," and
> > >>returned to his paper.
> > >>
> > >>The priest, thinking about what he had said, put his hand gently on
> > >>the man's arm and apologized. "I'm sorry.... I should not have come
> > >>on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"
> > >>
> > >>"I don't have arthritis, Father," the drunk replied. "I was just
> > >>reading here that the Pope does. "
>
>
maggieevans photos
Joined: 8/23/2002
Location: Cross Plains,Tn. zone 6
Posts: 1542
Posted: Aug/18/2006 2:01 AM PST

Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, '"Mabel, do you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?" Mabel answered, "I have a suppository in my ear?" She pulled it out and stared at it.
Then she said, "Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where to find my hearing aid."




When the husband finally died his wife put the usual death notice in the paper, but added that he died of gonorrhea.
No sooner were the papers delivered when a friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly, "You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea." Replied the widow, "I nursed him night and day so of course I know he died of diarrhea, but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the big ******* he always was."





An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard. They searched for days and couldn't find her, so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something. Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat. It read: "Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her butt was an oyster and in it was a pearl worth $50,000 . please a advise." The old man faxed back: "Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap."





A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket . They hear a faint moan. They op en the casket and find that the woman is actually alive! She lives for ten more years, and then dies. Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they carry the casket towards the door, the husband cries out, "Watch that wall!"





When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old lady sitting on a park bench sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked her what was wrong. She said, "I have a 22 year old husband at home. He makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee."
I said, "Well, then why are you crying?" She said, "He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then makes love to me for half the afternoon.

I said, "Well, why are you crying?" She said, "For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes love to me until 2:00 a.m." I said, "Well, why in the world would you be crying?" She said, "I can't remember where I live!"



Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.

One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me....I know we've been friends for a long time.....but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is." Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"



THE SENILITY PRAYER
Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway,
the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.
maggieevans photos
Joined: 8/23/2002
Location: Cross Plains,Tn. zone 6
Posts: 1542
Posted: Aug/18/2006 2:05 AM PST

>>>The Evening News
>>>
>>>Bob, a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM.
>>>
>>>He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV.
>>>
>>>The 10:00 PM news was coming on. The news crew was covering a story of a
>>>man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.
>>>
>>>The blonde looked at Bob and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"
>>>
>>>Bob says, "You know, I bet he'll jump."
>>>
>>>The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."
>>>
>>>Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, "You're on!"
>>>
>>>Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did
>>>a
>>>swan dive off the building, falling to his death.
>>>
>>>The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob, saying,
>>>"Fair's fair. Here's your money."
>>>
>>>Bob replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 PM
>>>news
>>>and so I knew he would jump."
>>>
>>>The blond replied, "I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again."
>>>
>>>Bob took the money......
tracymorris
Joined: 5/04/2006
Location: England
Posts: 754
Posted: Aug/18/2006 9:55 PM PST

Lol ...........
swindyi
Joined: 7/07/2003
Location: The Garden State
Posts: 849
Posted: Aug/19/2006 12:24 AM PST

Gooooood ones! I especially liked the letter ---men can be so considerate.
swindyi
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