soaphouse's Blog

Lawns....
Oct 19, 2009 | 9:24 AM PST
Tags: lawn , grass , suburbanite

My next-door neighbor hates working outside. He is a very talented architect and mowing his yard is always the last thing on his list. With all this rain, bless his heart, I think he has just given up. As I looked into his back yard, aka “meadow”, I was reminded of something my mom had once given me that goes something like this:

 

“ Imagine the conversation The Creator may have had with St. Francis about what we now call Lawns:

 

Frank, you know all about gardens and nature. What in the world is going on down there on earth? What happened to all the dandelions, violets, thistle and stuff I started eons ago? I had a perfect, no-maintenance garden plan. Those plants grow in any type of soil, withstand drought and multiply with abandon. The nectar from the long-lasting blossoms attracted butterflies, honeybees and flocks of songbirds. I expected to see a vast garden of colors by now. But all I see are these green rectangles.

 

It’s the tribes that settled here, Lord. The suburbanites. They started calling your flowers ‘weeds’ and went to great extent to kill them and replace them with grass.

 

Grass, but its so boring. It’s not colorful. It doesn’t attract butterflies, birds and bees, only grubs and sod worms. It’s temperamental with temperatures. Do these suburbanites really want all that grass growing there?

 

Apparently so, Lord. They go to great pains to grow it and keep it green. They begin each spring by fertilizing grass and poisoning any other plant that crops up in the lawn.

 

The spring rains and cool weather probably make the grass grow really fast. That must make the suburbanites happy.

 

Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it grows a little, they cut it – sometimes twice a week.

 

They cut it? Then dot hey bale it like hay?

 

Not exactly, Lord. Most of them rake it up and put it in bags.

 

They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it?

 

No, sir. Just the opposite. They pay to throw it away.

 

Now let me get this straight. They fertilize grass so it will grow. And when it does grow, they cut it and pay to throw it away?

 

Yes, sir.

These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when we cut back on the rain and turn up the heat. That surely slows the growth down and saves them a lot of work.

 

You aren’t going to believe this, Lord. When the grass stops growing so fast, they drag out the hoses and pay more money to water is to they can continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it.

 

What nonsense! At least the kept some to the tress. That was a sheer stroke of genius, if I do say so myself. The trees grow leaves in the spring to provide beauty and shade in the summer. In the autumn they fall to the ground and form a natural blanket to keep moisture in the soils and protect the trees and bushes. Plus, as they rot, the leaves form compost to enhance the soil. It’s a natural circle of like.

 

You better sit down, Lord. The Suburbanites have a new circle. As soon as the leaves fall, they rake them into great piles and have them hauled away.

 

No! What do they do to protect the shrub and tree roots in the winter and keep the soil moist and loose?

 

After throwing away your leaves, they go out and buy something they call mulch. They haul it home and spread it around in place of the leaves.

 

And where do they get this mulch?

 

They cut down trees and grind them up.

 

Enough!! I don’t want to think about this any more. Saint Catherine, you are in charge of the arts. What movie have you scheduled for us tonight?

 

Dumb and Dumber, Lord. It’s a really stupid movie….

 

Never mind, I think I just heard the whole story…."

 

HAH! I don’t know who wrote that, but I love it….

As I was staring at my neighbor’s meadow thinking he might just have THE right idea, I heard him crank up his lawn mower. I guess he came to his “suburbanite senses!”